“Transform has literally given me my life back – if I hadn’t come here, I would be dead.”
Where do I begin? Before I came to Transform I was rock bottom, I couldn’t have gotten any worse really. I had very bad mental health, anxiety, depression, PTSD and really bad suicidal ideation is what they called it.
It started when I was 15 and I was feeling really bad and struggling to cope with school. Eventually I went to counselling and I told the counsellor about an incident that happened to me when I was younger that I hadn’t told anyone about before.
The police got involved and it led to a court case which meant I couldn’t get any support with my mental health as it would have apparently interrupted the court case. So, for two years I had to deal with it on my own which led me to try to kill myself. I had planned out everything, the train station was my go-to place because if you jump in front of a train, you can die. It’s easy.
Eventually I did get some help, I went through a number of different services, but it got to the point where I either go to live with Transform or I get sectioned.
I remember going for my assessment with Transform, and thinking ‘oh, they’re not going to let me in’ and almost straight away they said, ‘We have a place available; would you like to look at it?’ And I said yes!
There was a point where I felt like I was just always going to feel depressed and that I was going to die – I never thought I’d get past that.
I went to see the room and I was pleasantly surprised at how nice it was. I also really liked the Resident Volunteer Anna, she works in a prison and is really strong, I just felt really safe which was a huge deal for me – I didn’t have that when I was growing up.
My keyworker Amy actually helped me move in! I thought she was really nice. I feel really insecure when I meet new people but that went almost immediately with Amy.
She took things quite slowly with me, we did a support plan which meant I didn’t get overwhelmed – it was great. Once I’d settled in she helped me sort my benefits and access the JobCentre, and then we moved on to things like bills and food shopping. I hadn’t done things like that before so we slowly built up to getting me used to them and now I can do them myself.
I loved the fact that I had regular appointments with Amy; every week someone cared enough to come and see me and ask how I am. It sounds very simple but that was so amazing and was a really big part of my progression. She’s professional, kind and actually makes sure that I am feeling okay. Okay it’s her job but she could do it in a really simple, quick way but she doesn’t. She’s really taken the time to get to know me, which since, I have lost so many friends in my life, must have been a pain. She pushed me just enough to make sure I was still growing.
In just two years I have made so much progress. I can’t say I’m not depressed anymore but it’s definitely more manageable. I used to have manic episodes that would last weeks and weeks, now they will last maybe a day at the most, and I can manage them because I know they’re going to end. I am also not suicidal anymore. There was a point where I felt like I was just always going to feel depressed and that I was going to die – I never thought I’d get past that. I am also doing a bit better with my anxiety and I am a little more confident – a lot of people have told me I am so different than I was two years ago.
When I found out I was able to move to my new home I was completely giddy, and then I had my first panic attack in two years! It was tough because I’d sort of forgotten how to deal with them. Transform has an out of hours number that clients can call if they need help. It was about 2am and I spoke to Ben who was amazing, he literally stayed up talking to me until I stopped crying. This sounds really weird saying it out loud but having that emotional rollercoaster was probably my standout moment because it made me feel like I was, kind of, normal for once.
What’s next for me? I want to continue working on myself – get a bit healthier, improve my motivation and get a bit more confidence.
Transform has literally given me my life back – if I hadn’t come here, I would be dead. I can guarantee that. It’s given me a future, better mental health and, just everything – there’s no simpler way to put it than that.